Current:Home > InvestOn Father's Day, I realize my son helps me ask for the thing I need: A step to healing -TrueNorth Capital Hub
On Father's Day, I realize my son helps me ask for the thing I need: A step to healing
View
Date:2025-04-18 08:57:07
There are times when I realize that I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be a functioning adult, much less have some career. I’m not supposed to be a college graduate. I’m not supposed to be a husband.
And, you know what? I’m not supposed to be a father. I’m just not. Not with my childhood.
But I’m here. I am a college graduate, one of the first in my family. I do have a career, going on 24 years now. And, against all odds, I am a father to a wonderful 11-year-old boy.
So what do I want for Father’s Day? I made two lists that reflect the childhood I had and another for the father that I’m still struggling to become.
Feeling like a failed dad:My childhood left me angry and afraid. My son is helping me find peace and joy.
My demons won't win. I won't win.
First, my past:
- I want my father, a former heroin addict, to know I’m not sorry I put a gun to his head to protect my mother, but I do hope he knows I didn’t have a choice, and I still don’t remember if the gun was loaded.
- I want my mother, whom I haven’t spoken to in 11 years, to know that I don’t remember why we stopped talking, but I do know neither of us will relent. So, have a good rest of your life. We’re good.
- I want my sisters to know that I miss being kids in a broken household that was somehow still fun and an experience I wouldn’t trade. I wish we lived closer to each other. I’d be a better uncle.
- I want my younger self to know that the sense of fear and sadness never goes away, but that he will find a space where it gets muted enough to not totally control him and influence bad choices to fill a void that won’t be filled. He will deserve the good in his life after surviving all that bad.
But those are my own demons, many of which I’ve just decided to sit next to for the rest of the ride. They won’t win. I won’t win. This heartbreaking stalemate lets me know I can still feel things.
Being a better parent than we had:Are you a better parent than your mom or dad? My son's question sent me into a spiral.
Still, those are the Father’s Day requests of the version of me that knows where I need to find healing and offer forgiveness, but just isn't strong enough yet. The me that sees the emotional scars and keeps picking at them for fear of being without them, and the bitterness that often fuels me. The me that isn't full of hate, even while not always welcoming love.
That is not the me I see when I'm with my son.
Potential of a future filled with happiness and whispered peace
The hopeful me has a set of requests that I know are too much to ask, too much to want, too much to pray for during those nights when the house is quiet but my fears are not. But they represent the part of myself that sees the potential of a future filled with happiness and whispered peace.
This list is for my son. My future:
- I want my autistic son to know he’s different but not less.
- I want him to know that he deserves happiness and joy.
- I want him to know that while the world isn’t set up to help him find peace and acceptance, there are people out there trying.
- I want him to one day know that he’s the reason I broke a treacherous series of generational cycles of trauma, abuse, addiction and depression because I finally had a reason to try.
- I want him to take it for granted that his dad didn’t go away, even if he never learns why mine did.
- I want his normal to be love.
Until then, I’ll keep finding healing through being his father.
I’ll keep showing up for my son. I’ll keep trying to be the best version of myself, even if it sometimes feels like too much.
For his sake.
Louie Villalobos is the director of Opinion content for the USA TODAY Network.
veryGood! (253)
Related
- Juan Soto praise of Mets' future a tough sight for Yankees, but World Series goal remains
- A new satellite could help scientists unravel some of Earth's mysteries. Here's how.
- How was fugitive Kaitlin Armstrong caught? She answered U.S. Marshals' ad for a yoga instructor
- Russian election officials register Putin to run in March election he’s all but certain to win
- Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie return for an 'Encore,' reminisce about 'The Simple Life'
- Taylor Swift Kisses Travis Kelce After Chiefs Win AFC Championship to Move on to Super Bowl
- China Evergrande is ordered to liquidate, with over $300 billion in debt. Here’s what that means.
- Chiefs' path back to Super Bowl stage looked much different than past runs
- Justice Department, Louisville reach deal after probe prompted by Breonna Taylor killing
- Ex-Philippines leader Duterte assails Marcos, accusing him of plotting to expand grip on power
Ranking
- Head of the Federal Aviation Administration to resign, allowing Trump to pick his successor
- Mega Millions winning numbers for January 26 drawing; jackpot reaches $285 million
- Mahomes, Kelce are headed to the Super Bowl after Chiefs shut down Ravens 17-10
- Super Bowl-bound: Kansas City Chiefs' six-step plan to upsetting the Baltimore Ravens
- Nearly 400 USAID contract employees laid off in wake of Trump's 'stop work' order
- Scott Boras' very busy day: Four MLB free agent contracts and a Hall of Fame election
- USA Hockey will mandate neck laceration protection for players under 18 effective Aug. 1
- Brock Purdy, 49ers rally from 17 points down, beat Lions 34-31 to advance to Super Bowl
Recommendation
This was the average Social Security benefit in 2004, and here's what it is now
Israel’s president says the UN world court misrepresented his comments in its genocide ruling
Princess Kate returns home after abdominal surgery, 'is making good progress,' palace says
A total solar eclipse in April will cross 13 US states: Which ones are on the path?
Could your smelly farts help science?
A driver backs into a nail salon, killing a woman and injuring 3 other people
Will Taylor Swift attend Super Bowl 58 to cheer on Kansas City Chiefs' Travis Kelce?
What Would The Economy Look Like If Donald Trump Gets A Second Term?